I don't have a plan. I am simply going to write this blog in the now moment, from the depths of my heart. (Sounds kind of like my life right now, not really sure of the plan). It has been a couple weeks and I miss this. For many it has been a busy month with the holidays upon us. For some it has been an emotional month, perhaps even a dark month as the rhythm of life on this part of the planet enters the cold darkness of winter. It is a time to retreat, to go within, and to reflect on what resides in our core...and what resides in our shadows.
This time of darkness and shadows is challenging for me. I am forced to feel the "icky" stuff in my soul as it bubbles to the surface. It doesn't feel good, to say the least. And I find myself not always making the best decisions in dealing with it, learning from it and shifting it. I feel stagnant. I feel heavy. I feel confused.
When I do consciously choose to do something I know will help, I do feel better, for at least a portion of the day. For example, when I force myself to get up and get on the treadmill and walk, walk, walk my energy shifts and my mood lifts. The treadmill is certainly not as rejuvenating as walking amongst the tall pines and dark soil, but it will have to do for now. A bath helps too. As well as meditating and talking to friends. I have moments, moments that feel good. But then I wake up again in shadows the next morning. Another day to navigate through the dark, literally and figuratively.
My body is feeling it now. My stomach hurts, my heart is doing funky things and I don't want to move. I wish I was a bear. I wish I could just crawl into a deep, dark cave and fall asleep until the air warms and the snow melts and the light returns. I wish I could dream it all away. How beautiful that would be. But I can't. I must go on! I must march through the madness of the shadows and battle with the emotions. And then I wonder again, why? Why is this what life is about? It is, isn't it? To feel and experience all emotions, the suffering as well as the love and joy. Of course, there are days, months, even years that can feel "good"....or at least better than other days, months and years.
Without the darkness light would not exist. At least that's what everyone tries to tell me in the spiritual books and teachings. I'm still working on understanding this more fully in my heart of hearts. Trying to understand why we must trudge through the muck in life. We all do. We all experience this in some way for some length of time in our life on this planet, in these bodies. And then the bright, sunny, happy days are truly appreciated when they arrive.
Do you know why? Do you truly understand it in a way that you feel it and know it as true?
I'm usually someone who focuses on and feels the light of my soul and sees the light in those around me. I believe in the power of being mindful and shifting thoughts to be more positive to create a better life. But sometimes, especially during this darkest month of winter, it takes all my energy to turn things around. Perhaps they are not meant to be turned around. Perhaps now is simply a time to lie in the muck, to cover my body with mud, and simply feel it and be in it until I am ready to rinse off, rise and walk in the light again.
It is a time to accept the shadow side, to integrate the darkness with the light and find the truth that exists in the duality.
Many Blessings,
Melanie
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